10 Things I Know to be True About Being a Domestic Engineer

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Domestic Engineers are some of the most dynamic people to walk the Earth.  You think I jest but, really, we are the cook, the chauffeur, the banker, the seamstress, the doctor, the psychologist…sigh.  We tend to everyone’s needs in spite of the fact that often our needs are not being met.  We are running on empty.  Well, there are some things about this job that pretty much hold true for everyone.  The details may be different, but the message rings true for all of us.  These are not listed in any particular order and I’m sure that you will find yourself in here somewhere.

1.  I know that you have been told this before, but I can confirm that having children is not good for your intelligence.  Apparently, as they get older your ability to think clearly diminishes.  So much so that about the time that they turn 15-years-old, you are the dumbest person on the planet.  It continues on this way for a few years, but there’s good news.  You’re IQ rises around their 23 birthday.

2.  Any home renovation project that you undertake will end up tripling in cost and scope.  I promise.  The installation of your new wood floors will uncover that there has been a slow steady leak in the side of your home for at least the past five years.  Not only has the sub-flooring rotted, but so has the side of your house with the big french doors leading off of the dining room.  When the contractor moves to repair the side of the house and put in new doors, he will notice that a portion of the deck will have to be rebuilt thereby discovering a rotting, dead possum that needs to be removed.  At this point your husband is so stressed that he is speaking in one word sentences and the vein in his forehead is perpetually popping out, leaving you to be the one who remains focused on what’s important: “Can I have the french doors with the beveled glass?” Of course you can because about now he’s too numb to refuse.

3. The moment that you find a product that you love  (a new bra – you know the one that matches you skin color perfectly, a cleaning product that can get a spot out of ANYTHING, a new cosmetic item that hides all of your flaws) they will stop making it.  I promise.

4. You never realize that the roll of toilet paper is empty until you have already sat down on the potty.  Then you start yelling for help and your children, who have super sonic hearing if you try to leave the house without them or eat a snack privately in the pantry (like I would ever do that?), miraculously can’t hear a thing!  So you text the older kid to help you out and bring some toilet paper, only to have him text back “LOL!!!!, LMBO!!! ROFL!!! I’m at work, mom!”  I forgot.

5. When the hubby performs the same task (any task) that you do regularly, he is an instant rock star.  You? Not so much. And, there’s so much grace extended to him when mistakes are made.  If he makes dinner and burns it? Well, at least he tried.  If you make dinner and burn it,  you have committed a cardinal sin and it will be remembered for years to come: “Hey, Mom!  Remember that time that you burned the pot pie? Yea, that was AWFUL!” That was 10 years ago. Is there no redemption for all of the awesome pot pies that I’ve made since then? No.

6. Dinner is done, dishes are washed, kids are in bed and you finally have a moment to yourself.  You grab your favorite drink, get comfy and settle down on the sofa to watch some HGTV, Bones, Breaking Bad… whatever floats your boat.  It doesn’t get any better than this, does it?  The cable goes out.  I’m not bitter anymore.

7.  It’s perfectly fine to have a baby at 40.  Well, except if you do the math, you will figure out that when you begin menopause, they will just be hitting puberty.  I don’t think that I need to say more here because I think the danger is obvious.

8. Karma has a way of finding you when you least expect it.  For instance, let’s just say that you, your hubby and your two young children are returning from a fun-filled week in Disney.  Your flight lands at 1:00 in the morning and you drag your exhausted, whining children through one of the busiest airports in the world and make the hour-long ride home.  Upon entering your house you decide to just dump your things in the living room and head upstairs to bed.  Unpack in the morning.  However, your little one has to go to the bathroom and uses the downstairs powder room. The moment she flushes, your toilet erupts as if it’s Old Faithful, spewing sewer water around the first floor of your house (Did I mention that they were wood floors?) Obviously the water has to be shut off and well, you just pick up your suitcases and go to the nearest hotel.  It is now 2:00 in the morning.  I don’t know exactly what I did to deserve that episode but, if you know, please accept my apology.  Obviously, I still haven’t gotten over it.

9.   This one is specifically for mothers of sons.  You are not allowed to be a woman.  The word “hot” is not allowed to be used in connection with you unless it is 100 degrees outside or you’re having a hot flash.  When speaking to your grown sons (actually this starts in the teenage years), you may not use any language that may indicate that you know anything about sex, let alone that you may have had it.   You say to him “But, you’re here and I know that you know how all of this works,” and he responds “Yes, but I choose to block all of that out of my mind.”  Okay.

10. Everyone in the family needs something and as mothers we tend to put their needs before our own.  Hubby needs some new slacks, Thing 1 needs new jeans, Thing 2 needs a new jacket and Mr. C needs new shoes.  What about your needs?  Who’s going to take care of you?  It’s all about balance, ladies.  So, here’s my advice: Every time you buy something for one of them, buy something for yourself.  Genius! Remember, balance is the key to happiness.

* As I mentioned in my previous post, today I was supposed to host the blog link up for Rising Bloggers, however, as luck would  have it, today everything went totally wrong .  Ironic, ain’t it?   You can view the other wonderful posts at Flotsam of the Mind.  Thanks Cynthia for the posting the link.  

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